KITT Gets the Hiccups!
by YeahScience
Summary: Just imagine what KITT would be like if he developed a case of the hiccups. Yup, that's the plot. Some funny garbage that popped into my head and demanded to be written. PLEASE COMMENT, if y'all like this, I will continue. If it made you laugh, then it did its job :)
1. Chapter 1

IF YOU GUYS LIKE THIS, PLEASE SAY SO AND I WILL CONTINUE WRITING IT.

Have you ever heard that Dr. Phil sound clip where he just blurts out, "That's a load of crap!" Well, that's exactly what my inner Dr. Phil said when this idea popped into my head. But did I listen to him? Hell no! Enjoy this fic. I sure did.

* * *

Having just caught another nasty criminal, KITT and Michael were rocketing down a desolate desert highway on their way to the FLAG mobile unit.

All of KITT's windows were rolled down and wind bellowed in, making Michael's devilishly curly hair dance around his head. KITT allowed himself to relax as he exited surveillance mode, shut down his scanners, and focused all attention on the road ahead of him.

Both guys were surveilling the scene's flora and fauna (or, rather, lack thereof), when the car suddenly lurched forward. Michael's hands tightened their grip around the steering wheel as he looked for past potholes or roadkill, but saw nothing. He shrugged it off and decided not to draw any attention to it.

Until it happened again. This time, the car lurched so violently that the front end scooped down into the sand and two tires momentarily swerved off the road and onto the rumble strips.

"Woah!" Michael shouted, once again gripping the steering wheel like a vice. "KITT, give me a status report! Someone shooting at us?!" He began to rapidly push a barrage of buttons all over KITT's dash and interior. The car responded.

"No, Michael," he said with hesitation. "The problem seems to be coming from withi- *HIC*" The AI abruptly paused, then added in sheepish embarrassment, "Excuse me."

Michael's brows furrowed. "KITT, what was that?" he bored. The voice transponder remained silent. "KITT, talk to me, what's wrong?"

"I don't know, **-** HIC-, Michael," he snapped back. "There's something wrong with –HIC- me! H-HIC-elp!"

Then realization dawned over Michael like the sun over the Sahara. "KITT," he said through a broad grin. "You got the hiccups!"

KITT remained silent for a few seconds to ponder this theory. "Michael, that's redHICulous. I do not have a diaphragm. Therefore, I am unable of HIC-cupping, as you humans deem it."

"Really? Because it sure sounds to me like you got 'em." KITT's virtual eyes narrowed into two angry slits as he stared down his driver. All of his intimidation was voided as he hiccupped, and then a second time. Michael snorted with laughter. "Oh man, that's just-" The laughs consumed him.

"It's not –HIC- funny, Michael! It's downright embarr-HIC-assing! And it hurts!"

Wiping a tear from his eye with an exaggerated flourish, Michael patched Bonnie through the ComLink. The poor AI let out a few hiccups in spite of himself.

"What's up, Michael?" came the brunette's honeyed voice.

"Bonnie, you are not gonna believe this," Michael said through a giggle. "KITT here has the hiccups."

Everyone was silent, until one of KITT's annoying noises punctuated the air. "I'm sorry, what?" Bonnie questioned. She sounded completely disbelieving. "Did you say KITT has the _hiccups_?"

Michael did not answer: only held the ComLink up to KITT's dash. The pair waited with baited breath until KITT added his two cents. When he does, it was a veritable explosion that rocked the entire cabin. KITT followed it up with a hushed apology.

"I hope you boys aren't messing with me," Bonnie said in her textbook "stern mom" demeanor.

KITT responded this time. "No, -HIC-, Bonnie, I'm afraid this is no joke." He stopped just in time to hiccup again. Both guys heard the mechanic sigh exasperatedly.

"I trust you two are already on the way back to the mobile unit?" A hiccup (and giggle) of affirmation. "Alright, bring KITT back. I'll take a look at him and see what I can do. If there is anything that I can do." With that ominous remark, she hung up on the pair.

"M-HIC-hael, what did Bonnie mean when she said, 'If there is anyt-HIC-ng I can do'?" Michael was suddenly awash in sympathy for the poor car. The way his voice module wavered, he could sense the terror in his partner's voice. Despite being mostly steel and carbon fiber, a real silicon heart beat under the car's hood. He didn't like surprises, and this certainly counted.

"Don't worry, buddy," Michael reassured, patting the car's dash, eliciting a hiccup. "It happens to everybody. They'll go away. In the meantime, they'll just be annoying."

The car continued to hitch and swerve as the Big Rig rolled into sight.


	2. Life's a Glitch

Hey y'all, it's me! First off, I am so sorry for the sudden disappearance. There are a lot of changes going on in my life (moving away from home, 3 jobs, grad school applications) and unfortunately, I had to hang up my writing pants for a few weeks to adjust.

But now I think I got the hang of it, so to thank you for your kind reviews and continued support, here is the next chapter of "KITT Gets the Hiccups!" Honestly, I did not expect this to get the praise it did :3 It was just a funny plot bunny that popped into my head that I proceeded to post, but thank you so much for the comments! As always, it means a lot!

Disclaimer: I know absolutely nothing about coding. BUT ALL MY BEST FRIENDS (shout outttttt) know computer science, so that's something! *shrug

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Bonnie was already waiting for the pair, arms crossed and eyes narrowed, when they limped into the Mobile Unit. The door to the semi latched closed and Michael leapt out of the car. He was about to open his mouth and elaborate on the situation that the mechanic was clearly (and rightfully) still skeptical about when KITT "opened" his and let out a massive hiccup that shook the whole trailer.

The humans yelped and clung onto the car for dear life. Once the shockwaves had settled down and Bonnie had steadied herself, she addressed the boys.

"Michael," she hissed through gritted teeth. He winced in preparation of the lambasting he anticipated. "Start talking. Now. What is going on?!"

"Bonnie," he responded, desperate to diffuse the situation before Bonnie exploded. Or KITT exploded. Or he himself exploded. "We were just driving around, then KITT starts swerving all over the place and makin' these weird noises. I mean, you heard him. It honestly sounds like he's got a bad case of the hiccups!"

The mechanic gave an exasperated sigh, but indulged the cop's wild delusions. She crouched down to look KITT right in the scanner.

"KITT, can you run diagnostics?"

"Af-FIR-mative, Bonnie," he mumbled, punctuated by a hiccup. In the meantime, she rummaged through the various storage containers that lined the compact garage. Eventually she produced what looked like a jumper cable. She hooked it somewhere under the AI's hood, yelping and jumping back as it lurched and slammed shut with an explosive squeaky noise. Michael tried to hide a snicker behind the collar of his button-up, but Bonnie saw anyway and shot him a venomous look.

The other end of the cable snaked into the semi's computer. Bonnie typed a furious series of commands and her eyes scanned the incomprehensible stream of code that flew across the screen. It was all Greek to Michael, (binary, really) but Bonnie didn't seem too concerned. That is, until she shifted and leaned closer to the monitor with a confused look on her face.

"What is it?" Michael prodded. After all, he was concerned for his friend, who had sunken on his chassis until he remained a moaning and pathetic mound of metal.

"Look at this code, Michael," she pointed with a single slender finger. "It's erratic." Michael leaned in closer too, to get a look at the emerald digits on the screen.

000000000000000000001111111111111000000000000000000000001111111111100000000

He shrugged. "It just looks like a bunch of 0s with little pockets of 1s, Bon."

"Exactly, Michael!" Bonnie cried. "This particular section of code is intended to be meaningless, repetitive filler. A 'whole bunch of 0s' in KITT's code to throw off potential hackers."

"So what are the 1s doing in there?"

Realization dawned on Michael _again._ "You don't suppose those are the-"

"Those are the hiccups, Michael," she breathed. Wonder had stolen her voice like a biologist discovering a new species. "Digital hiccups, random segments of code popping up where they shouldn't be and causing a systematic malfunction."

She waved her finger over the cursor that tracked the position of KITT's processor as it raced through the code. She snapped her fingers as it reached a short sequence of 1s. Right on cue, KITT hiccupped.

Bonnie beamed and entirely ignored the AI. "Fascinating."

"Miss Barstow," KITT interjected. "I hate to interRUPt – Pardon me – your groundbreaking computer science discovery, but shouldn't we be attempting to remedy this situation?"

The brunette shook her head violently to clear it and whipped away from the computer. "Yes," she said, still flustered. "Um, well, what computer problem isn't solved by shutting it off and turning it back on again?"

With a triumphant flourish, the mechanic ripped out a cord from KITT's hood and his scanner faded. She tapped her foot, counting to 15, then plugged it back in.

KITT's processor gave a triumphant fanfare as it roared back to life, like a prideful lion or a MacIntosh computer…

Before sputtering like a newborn whelp in an equally embarrassing and adorable display.

KITT gave an angered growl from deep inside his engine block. Michael ran a soothing, cool hand along the smooth fender. The poor guy was burning up from the embarrassment.

Bonnie growled too as she typed in command after command into her computer: none of them seemed to be working.

A lightbulb had gone off over Michael's head, though. Not a bright one, per se, but one of those old and yellowed ones. But it was good enough for him.

"Wait," he began tentatively. "Maybe this can't be solved with fancy logic and computers."

KITT was, of course, deeply spectacle. "Michael, there cannot be a problem that isn't solved with log-HIC. It doesn't ex-HIC-st." The cop could've sworn he heard the car curse under his breath.

"Let's hear him out," Bonnie asserted.

"You know that old wives' tale that if you drink upside down, it'll get rid of your hiccups?"

KITT rolled his virtual eyes. "That's an _old wives' tale,_ Michael. There is no sound scientific evidence to bac-HIC-k it up."

Michael cocked his head and glared at the car, who obviously wasn't in any position whatsoever to be denying possible solutions.

"How exactly do you propose we do this?" Bonnie deadpanned.

Michael flashed his trademark winning smile and raised his ComLink to his mouth. "RC, pull over."

"Roger that, Mike." The Mobile Unit came to a slow stop and the back hatch lowered. Bonnie and Michael helped push the hiccuppy vehicle out and onto the side of the road.

"So what's your plan, Michael?" Bonnie asked with a hint of hope dangling at the end of her voice. She wanted KITT to feel better as much as the AI himself did.

Michael furrowed his brow. "KITT, can you use your ski mode boosters to roll onto your T-top?"

KITT took a few moments to ponder the idea, then gave a rush of compressed air as he flipped and landed spectacularly on his polished hood with a resounding thud. He moaned, dizzy, his already turbulent tank not taking kindly to the shaking.

"Alright," Michael continued. He was flying by the seat of his pants here. "Now pop open your gas cap. Bonnie, you still have that extra gallon lying around?"

With a swift nod, she jogged back to the semi. KITT wobbled as he tried to maintain his balance despite the wracking hiccups. _Hang on buddy, just a little more,_ Michael willed.

Bonnie reappeared with the red canister of gasoline. Michael hefted it up and walked over to KITT. Steadying himself against the car with a hand, he poured the entire gas can into the tank.

Once the canister was sucked dry, Michael commanded KITT to use his auto-roof to get himself back on his tires.

KITT's scanner gave a few tentative flashes. Then a few more. And then…

Silence.

And then, cheers.

"Oh, thank heavens!" KITT cried with delight. "Boy, am I glad that is over! What a nightmare!"

Bonnie and Michael cheered too. They were just as happy that their brilliant little AI was feeling better after an all-too human encounter with the dreaded hiccups.

From the driver's seat of the semi, RC could only chuckle at the sheer oddity of the scene behind him.


End file.
